Bringing Music Back to My Life in the New Year

After a subpar childhood piano career, I resumed my piano lessons when I was 35 years old.  I remember how I jumped up and down and celebrated when the used black upright piano that I purchased was delivered to my house.  Even as the mother of a 13-month-old son, I was dedicated and likely the most disciplined I had been.  I was faithful to my lessons, my practice and focused on becoming an accomplished pianist. 

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I love music and wanted to fill my home with countless piano “concerts”.  I envisioned my family sitting around the piano and Christmas tree during the holidays as I performed a list of traditional holiday favorites as well as performing concerts throughout the year where I played a variety of genres. 

As an adult, I remember nervously sitting next to kindergarteners as we prepared for our spring recital in 2008.  After the birth of my second child, this was my first recital in almost 20 years.  My emotions vacillated between excitement and frustration; excitement that I was pursuing my piano dreams and frustration that I hadn’t been a better childhood student and hadn’t mastered the piano at almost 40.  Nevertheless, I was excited to be performing a culmination of a few years of lessons that had me proud of what I had recently accomplished and further lit the fire under me to keep getting better.  Despite a few missed keys, the spring recital was great and I beamed with pride as my family and friends got to see my hard work.  Despite being a working mother of two (I had recently taken a much-needed break from corporate America), I was able to maintain my family focus while making piano lessons a priority and working on my other professional endeavors.

Until that devastating derailment also known as my triple negative breast cancer diagnosis.  In my sudden and immediate change of priorities to better understand my breast cancer subtype, research treatment options, physicians and focus on survival, I withdrew from my upcoming fall recital. 

That was 8 years ago.  Aside from the occasional moment that I plunk at a piece from my childhood or adulthood recitals or some of my half-written songs and a few comical attempts to provide lessons to my family, the piano has sat largely unused.  Sometimes dusty and out of tune, it represents a stark contradiction to the dedicated days of practice, my scheduled piano tunings and appreciation for the instrument and music I was able to produce. 

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The years since my breast cancer diagnosis have been filled with highs and lows, a challenge as I find my way in my new normal.  Dreams I once had have been replaced by new dreams.  U turns have been a large part of navigation in my new normal.  Reconstruction has been an overriding theme.  As 2016 closes with another year of survival, another holiday and my 47th birthday, resolutions I used to make have been replaced by one simple declaration for the year ahead.  I’m bringing back the music to my life! 

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Things that were out of tune and dusty in my life will be dusted off, tuned with a refocus to have beautiful melodies today and the next day and the next day.  This is a work in progress.  I look forward to recommitting myself to some of the things I “lost” and making my new normal more bright and beautiful. 

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I pray that there’s also beautiful music for you in 2017.  I’ll keep you posted and hope to hear about your 2017 adventures. 

Happy New Year!

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Resilience Coach, Reconstructionist™ and Health and Wellness Advocate.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining your new normal.

www.breastcancercomfortsite.com/blog

 

Give Yourself a Mother’s Day Gift – Release the Guilt and Celebrate Survival

In the midst of my breast cancer battle and throughout my journey, I’ve struggled with guilt about the things that I was “missing” and “couldn’t” do with my children.  My son was four years old and my daughter was one year old when I was diagnosed.  I had an undercurrent of struggle trying to balance the demands of treatment with the demands of motherhood.

All mothers seem to struggle with balancing and multitasking.  Add to that the weighty struggle of trying to manage chemo related nausea and fatigue as well as the debilitating effects of surgery and a cocktail of pain medications as you try to muster the strength show up for your child’s school play, soccer game or stay awake for Friday night movie night.  Trying to gather the strength to play with your child as you are healing from surgery can be an almost impossibility.  And we tend to bear a lot of guilt for our mostly temporary inability to do so.  And we feel guilty when we can’t seem to do it all.

But, I’m learning that the guilt is unnecessary as our kids thrive and are nourished by our love that comes in many forms: by our physical presence, our hugs, our smiles, our prayers for and with them.

This past Friday, I returned home from a three day school trip with my nine year old son.  I was greeted by my seven year old daughter with a string of kisses and multiple hugs.  She was delighted just to see me, just to be with me.  So I’ll have to remember that I may have missed some things while working to survive, but if I hadn’t missed some things during my treatment, I might surely miss other, bigger moments.  I may have missed some days, but those days that I missed have provided me with many more years with my kids and a chance to celebrate more of their birthdays, other bonding moments, more hugs, kisses and smiles.

If I must struggle to balance something, I should be balancing my diet to keep my risk of recurrence low and my health and energy good.  Yesterday morning, as I walked outside with my daughter to a beautiful spring morning, she said “hello birds, hello bees” in her youthful wonder that was the start of a beautiful family day.  I can’t feel guilty about what I missed because surviving has allowed me to share these precious moments.  I’m working on taking the guilt out of my life and replacing it with constant recognition of the blessings of being able to share another moment with my children, another chance to greet a morning with them, share bonding time with them.

On this Mother’s Day, give yourself a present and let those moments, those smiles, those days with your children uplift your guilt and carry you happily forward in your survival journey. Celebrate your survival and the additional time with your family!

Happy Mother’s Day – May 11, 2014

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

 

Zora Brown, The World Remembers

Zora Brown, the world misses you.  But, your friends and colleagues have ensured that the world will remember  your warrior spirit and your tireless commitment to breast cancer advocacy and ovarian cancer advocacy.  THANK YOU. Yesterday, we had the honor of celebrating the Dedication of the Zora Brown Mammography Suite at the Capital Breast Care Center.  And, there have been more:

Zora’s Lounge for Patients and Families at Howard University Cancer Center https://www.facebook.com/friendsofzorabrown

C-Change honored Zora’s work with them as a member since their inception. She served on the Board of Directors and Executive Committee. http://c-changepublications.org/2013%20Tribute%20Book/index.html#/8/

AACR honored Zora who was a trustee for the AACR Foundation

http://webcast.aacr.org/console/player/20852?mediaType=podiumVideo&

#ZoraBrown #breastcancer #ovariancancer #pioneer #advocate #BRCA1 #CBCCinDC #AACR #CChangetogether #HUCC #mammogram

ZB Mammography Suite program Mel posting and ZB Suite Mel and Meaux posting at ZB Suite ZB lounge plaques Mel by ZB lounge plaques

 

Bottle Half Full Isn’t Always Good

Hanae Mori perfume bottleThis is my bottle of my favorite perfume, Hanae Mori.  It is a great fragrance that my then boyfriend, now husband, bought for me on a Caribbean vacation about 15 years ago.  This is time when the bottle half full isn’t a good thing.  The other day as I walked past this half full perfume bottle, I was irritated with myself and had to do a little self talk.  The reason this bottle is half full and not completely empty is because I put it on a shelf to take down and wear only for special events.

Well, I definitely need to change my definition of special events.  When I survived breast cancer, I made a list of things I loved to do and said that I would do more of them.  I outlined all of the things that have brought me joy from the small (going to movies and comedy shows) to the large (traveling throughout the Caribbean), but somehow in these last 4 years and 10 months, there have been too many times that I let “life” get in the way.  The irony is that I know, more than ever, that no day is promised.  Life is the reason I should be celebrating.  Waking up is a special event.  Listening to music (yes, music was on my list) is a special event.  Having the opportunity to have a conversation with my husband, 9 year old son or 6 year old daughter is a special event.  All of the moments of my life – a life that is not guaranteed – are special events.

So, I plan to empty this bottle quickly.  (Somehow, I’ve got to get back to the Caribbean soon :-).  When I get up in the morning, I’ll dab some on and do what I said I would do, what I’ve urged others to do – celebrate survival, celebrate life ’cause they are special events.  EVERY DAY!

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.  October 7, 2013