Category Archives: Playing the Whole Game

Keeping My Bags Packed

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***NOTE:  I send my thoughts and a special prayer to all, including my father, who were near, in the path of and/or impacted by Hurricane Hermine.***

Last week, I counted down the days until our family’s annual pre-Labor Day beach trip which is a quick two hour drive from our home.  For our family, the beach is such a fun place.  We love riding the waves, making sand sculptures and, for me, meditating and being at a place of serenity.  Somehow the sun seems brighter reflecting off of the ocean and the rays of the sun seem warmer when my feet are in the sand.  The waves washing up on shore sounds like beautiful music to me.  I packed our bags and watched the weather forecasts, tracking Hurricane Hermine.

Last Friday, the day before departure, I was still optimistic that the weather would hold up.  Although the forecast for beach day was cloudy and in the mid-70s, rain and wind and the onset of the storm were forecasted to hold off until late afternoon.  By then, we’d have spent a few hours at the beach, walked the water’s edge, meditated by the waves and gotten some sweets from our favorite candy store.

Friday night, the forecast changed with rain and the strong winds expected much earlier in the day.  I still held out some, although fading, hope.  I had filled my gas tank and had already packed the car.  I was ready for an early morning departure with little to do except get in the car and go.

I went to sleep hoping and praying that the forecast might change, as forecasts tend to do even over short periods. I was hoping the storm would lose its strength by morning.  When I awoke, the forecast was much the same as the night before.  I tried to get accurate and up to the minute information and thought I might go to the beach later in the day; still hopeful.  As I got the detailed information, it was clear that the storm was too strong and meteorologists urged beachgoers to make alternate plans.

It was evident that the weather wouldn’t be conducive for the beach any day during the long weekend.  This marked the first time in some years that we would miss Labor Day by the water.  I unpacked the car, but I left my packed bags in the corner of my office and chose not to unpack them.  I want to be ready.  The forecast for this coming weekend calls for good beach weather.  Whatever routine we planned to return to this weekend, will be changed if the weekend weather forecast remains the same.  I’m not unpacking my bags because I want to be ready to jump right into the car and make the trip this weekend.  The storm may delay me, but it won’t stop me.

I’ve had many storms in my life; cancer has been the most consistent and biggest storm including my mother’s breast cancer diagnosis, her recurrences and death from metastatic breast cancer; my aunt’s breast cancer and ovarian cancer diagnoses, her recurrences and death from metastatic ovarian cancer; my own triple negative breast cancer diagnosis when my children were four years old and 19 months old.  Throughout my life, I’ve learned that you generally won’t know when a storm will come, when it will end, and the strength and intensity of the storm.  Because I’ll never know when storms will come and go, when they will begin or end and how many storms there will be in my life, I’m leaving my bags packed, always ready and prepared for the end of the storm and always chasing the sun!

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Resilience Coach, Reconstructionist™ and Health and Wellness Advocate.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

A Change in My Surroundings – Part 4 – Inspirational Books Around Me

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A few blogs ago, we discussed how a change in your surroundings can replace negative reminders and provide instant gratification.  One of the items on the list was having a music player or iPod speaker to have uplifting music at your fingertips and we provided a list in A Change in My Surroundings – Part 2.  An item on the list was having Bible verses, poems, calming passages posted or framed in your surroundings and we provided a list in A Change in My Surroundings – Part 3.  Another item on the list was uplifting books of hope, faith, courage and peace.  I said that I would share some in a future blog.  Here are a few:

  1. The Bible
  2. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
  3. The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
  4. Oh, the Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss
  5. The Prayer of Jabez: Breaking Through to the Blessed Life by Dr. Bruce H. Wilkinson
  6. The Power of Hope The One Essential of Life and Love by Maurice Lamm
  7. Hope Happens! words of encouragement for times of change by Catherine DeVrye
  8. Be Happy 170 ways to transform your day by Patrick Lindsay
  9. Now Is the Time 170 Ways to Seize the Moment by Patrick Lindsay
  10. Inner Simplicity by Elaine St. James

This is not an exhaustive list, but a few to consider.  Please let me know which you like and others that should be added to the list.

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Resilience Coach, Reconstructionist™ and Health and Wellness Advocate.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

Olympic Lessons for Reconstruction

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As the sun sets on the 2016 Olympics in Rio and we turn our sights to Tokyo 2020, I’d like to reflect on the last 2+ weeks of intense competition and sportsmanship.  I strongly believe in the Role Model In the Mirror and also find value of lessons from others who are the best at what they do – winners!  Those who have tried, failed, and tried again.  Their tenacity and unwavering dedication and commitment provide some useful nuggets especially as a breast cancer survivor undergoing life reconstruction, adjusting to the new normal, and seeking the very best today and in the future.

I love the back stories of athletes that document their beginnings, their struggles, and everything in between that leads them to the Olympics.  I’m sure you’ve got your favorites, but here are a few of mine:

  • Simone Biles – this 19 year old won four gold medals and a bronze medal dominating women’s gymnastics in her first Olympics.
  • Katie Ledecky – this 19 year old won four gold medals and a bronze medal in some races that weren’t even close.
  • Simone Manuel – this 20 year old won two gold medals and two bronze medals where, in some races, she didn’t seem favored to even get a medal
  • Helen Maroulis – this 24 year old became the first American woman to win a wrestling gold medal. She beat a seemingly invincible opponent and was guided by her mantra “Christ is in me, I am enough.”
  • Allyson Felix – this 34 year old won two gold medals and a silver medal. After a failed baton pass, a challenge and another qualifying run, she won a relay gold medal.  She is the only female track and field athlete to win six gold medals and is tied as the most decorated female track and field athlete with a total of nine medals.
  • Michael Phelps – this 31 year old won five gold medals and one silver medal. He is now the most decorated Olympian with 28 medals.
  • Usain Bolt – this 30 year old (29 during his Olympic runs) completed a triple triple in Rio by winning three gold medals in three Olympics.
  • Claressa Shields – this 21 year old is the first U.S. boxer to win back to back gold medals.
  • Kristin Armstrong – this 42 year old mother won gold (before her 43rd birthday), managing some difficult weather and a bloody nose, in the Olympic cycling time trial; her third consecutive gold.
  • USA Women’s Water Polo team – the team wins a back to back gold medal with Ashleigh Johnson as the first African American goalie on a U.S. water polo team and a coach who lost a brother just prior to the Olympics.
  • Jillion Potter – This 30 year old battled cancer to become a Rugby sevens Olympian.

There are so many other history making and incredible stories, but these are a few that are top of my mind.  Some of the lessons, some of the thread of these stories, are certainly applicable to reconstruction and adjusting to the new normal:

  • See it, Believe it – The athletes visualized and or wrote down their dreams of being great, winning, becoming an Olympian
  • Never settle – The athletes didn’t settle, even launching challenges when, at first blush, it seemed they had no chance of moving forward or winning.
  • Keep going – Obstacles and setbacks didn’t prevent them from trying again and again.
  • No easy path – There were no quick and easy paths; many had to change course in order to move forward and become better.
  • Discomfort can bring forth growth – Many had to leave comfortable situations and surroundings in order to become the best.
  • No shortcuts – There are no shortcuts to a phenomenal outcome; each put in consistent hard work and prioritized their training, research and preparation
  • No excuses – they didn’t use life circumstances, injuries and setbacks as an excuse for not striving for and being their best.

I am always inspired by the Role Model In The Mirror.  These stories and lessons provide some additional inspiration.  As we rebuild, as we adjust to the new normal, remember that there can be many gold medal moments.

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Resilience Coach, Reconstructionist™ and Health and Wellness Advocate.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

In Sickness and Health – With Gratitude to Caregivers and Co-survivors

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My husband, Ray, was very excited for us to exchange traditional vows at our wedding 15 years ago.  Little did we know that seven years into our marriage we would live the vows “in sickness and in health” when I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.  On that fall morning in 2008 when I received my diagnosis, he morphed from husband and friend to caregiver and co-survivor.

Caregiver and co-survivor is an often overlooked, but can be a soul saving role.  My husband and I went from celebrating a second honeymoon on a trip to the Caribbean to making life saving and life changing decisions.  Somehow, I thought any serious sickness might come, if at all, when we had great grandkids and were much older.  At 40 and 38, Ray and I, with a 4 year old son and 19 month old daughter, were thrust into new roles.  Ray was the man who provided a shoulder to cry on and prayed for me when my faith was shaken; he was by my side through multiple hospital stays with my bilateral mastectomy, prophylactic oophorectomy and reconstruction and 16 cycles of chemotherapy.  He spent over 12 months as medical researcher, hospital taxi, hospital companion, doctor’s appointment taxi, doctor’s appointment companion, drain tube drainer and bandage changer, and reconstruction cheerleader.  He was the first to compliment me on my chemo bald head and the first to share my excitement when wiry strands of grey hair started to grow back.  He was so attentive at doctor’s appointments; taking notes on how to bandage and care for my bruised body.  And, he seemed to have many elixirs to care for my bruised soul.  He praised me and exalted me.

Through nights of nausea, days of intense pain and exhaustion, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness and despair, I had a steadfast champion and nurturer.  To the man who loved me back to life, to my soulmate who became my soul savior, in sickness and in health.  My gratitude.  My love.

To every caregiver, every co-survivor, every friend who cared and loved through the valleys and walked with you and helped you climb mountains.  May life give back to you all that you have given to those you have believed in and nurtured.

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Resilience Coach, Reconstructionist™ and Health and Wellness Advocate.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

Keep Going Until Everything (the bumper and the wheels) Fall Off

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Last week, as I was taking down our Christmas tree (yes, it’s late, I know), I was pulling down one of our keepsake ornaments that we’ve had for a while.  These keepsake ornaments are from places we have traveled or mementos of milestones and special occasions.  One of these ornaments is Santa and a reindeer riding top down in a convertible (see photos).

I paused, both when we put the ornament on the tree and when I took it off.  When we pulled the ornament out of the box to decorate the tree, I paused with indecision trying to determine if we should put the “broken” ornament on the tree because I had neither the time nor the handy resources to fix it.

But, as the symbolism smacked me in my face, I knew I had to put it on the tree.  As a triple negative breast cancer survivor (one who had a bilateral mastectomy the week before Christmas 2008) and a child who lost her mother to breast cancer (in early December 1990) the meaning behind this broken ornament was so important.  My mother, a three time breast cancer patient, was an inspiration who soaked in the beauty of each day all while managing her 12 year breast cancer fight.  I’ve been broken while facing breast cancer including losing my mother to this disease, being physically broken by all of the surgeries that I’ve had fighting breast cancer and by the emotional and physical brokenness that can accompany breast cancer as you ask “why me”.  But in my brokenness, I’ve worked to move on and get what’s good in life.

So, it brought a tear to my eye to see Santa and his passenger reindeer moving on, bumper hanging, convertible top down and seemingly drinking in life.  It reminded me, even if you’re broken, keep moving on, keep living life to the fullest and do it until the wheels, bumpers and doors fall off.  And if they do, get out and walk or run the rest of the way.  Enjoy every breath of life you can.  Be unstoppable.

 

Broken ornament on the tree Broken ornament on the tree 2 Santa and reindeer still look happy Santa and reindeer still look happy 2

Melanie A. Nix – coloring outside of the lines in my new normal

Give Yourself a Mother’s Day Gift – Release the Guilt and Celebrate Survival

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In the midst of my breast cancer battle and throughout my journey, I’ve struggled with guilt about the things that I was “missing” and “couldn’t” do with my children.  My son was four years old and my daughter was one year old when I was diagnosed.  I had an undercurrent of struggle trying to balance the demands of treatment with the demands of motherhood.

All mothers seem to struggle with balancing and multitasking.  Add to that the weighty struggle of trying to manage chemo related nausea and fatigue as well as the debilitating effects of surgery and a cocktail of pain medications as you try to muster the strength show up for your child’s school play, soccer game or stay awake for Friday night movie night.  Trying to gather the strength to play with your child as you are healing from surgery can be an almost impossibility.  And we tend to bear a lot of guilt for our mostly temporary inability to do so.  And we feel guilty when we can’t seem to do it all.

But, I’m learning that the guilt is unnecessary as our kids thrive and are nourished by our love that comes in many forms: by our physical presence, our hugs, our smiles, our prayers for and with them.

This past Friday, I returned home from a three day school trip with my nine year old son.  I was greeted by my seven year old daughter with a string of kisses and multiple hugs.  She was delighted just to see me, just to be with me.  So I’ll have to remember that I may have missed some things while working to survive, but if I hadn’t missed some things during my treatment, I might surely miss other, bigger moments.  I may have missed some days, but those days that I missed have provided me with many more years with my kids and a chance to celebrate more of their birthdays, other bonding moments, more hugs, kisses and smiles.

If I must struggle to balance something, I should be balancing my diet to keep my risk of recurrence low and my health and energy good.  Yesterday morning, as I walked outside with my daughter to a beautiful spring morning, she said “hello birds, hello bees” in her youthful wonder that was the start of a beautiful family day.  I can’t feel guilty about what I missed because surviving has allowed me to share these precious moments.  I’m working on taking the guilt out of my life and replacing it with constant recognition of the blessings of being able to share another moment with my children, another chance to greet a morning with them, share bonding time with them.

On this Mother’s Day, give yourself a present and let those moments, those smiles, those days with your children uplift your guilt and carry you happily forward in your survival journey. Celebrate your survival and the additional time with your family!

Happy Mother’s Day – May 11, 2014

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

 

Lupita Nyong’o Has Learned To Embrace Her Beauty and, As a Breast Cancer Survivor, So Have I

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This month, Lupita Nyong’o was named People Magazine’s most beautiful person of 2014.  I’ve seen her discuss her long road to embracing and owning her beauty, especially as a woman of a darker hue who often faced a dearth of media promoted, similarly hued beauties.  In a different way, I’ve been on a journey to embrace and own my beauty, and strength, during my breast cancer journey.  At 44, I am a 5 ⅓ year triple negative breast cancer survivor.  My breast cancer journey forced me to readjust and redefine many things including my definition of strength and beauty.  At 38, with a 1 year old daughter, 4 year old son and husband of 7 years, I was diagnosed with Stage 1, Grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma.  But, my breast cancer journey really began 30 years earlier.  At 8 years old, my 36 year old mother was diagnosed with breast cancer; beginning her 12 year fight that ended when her third battle with the disease took her life at age 49.

Many aunts and first cousins were diagnosed with breast cancer and/or ovarian cancer and most lost their battles in their 30s and 40s.  Amidst sadness and loss, I frequently considered my own mortality and questioned if I was living the life that I wanted with so many dreams untouched.  Should I do my own thing or follow convention?  I always returned to a normal “inside the box” life.

Armed with information and learning that I was a carrier of the BRCA1 gene mutation that increased my risk for both breast and ovarian cancer, I began planning my preventive (prophylactic) surgeries.  In the midst of planning my surgeries as well as preparing for Thanksgiving, Christmas and my upcoming 39th birthday, on 11/21/08 I received my diagnosis and became a fifth generation breast cancer patient.  Face to face with the enemy prompted a redefinition of many things in my life, among them beauty and strength.  I promised myself that I would do everything I had to do to survive and work toward a great quality of life.

Beauty is often defined by our vision and varies depending on the lens that we use and whether or not it’s in or out of focus.  Throughout my battle with breast cancer – through the bilateral mastectomy (prophylactic on the right breast), bilateral prophylactic oophorectomy, 16 rounds of chemotherapy, reconstructive surgery (2 times on the left breast and 1 time on the right) – I was readjusting, trying to focus my lens, but my vision was often blurred.  Blurred by my tears as I experienced every emotion – anger, fear, sadness and also joy when I achieved a survival milestone like getting through my first chemo!  Tears of joy, sadness, confusion, faithlessness and frustration.  Tears of hope.  Tears for my late mother.  Through my tears, the image of beauty appeared more clearly, came into focus.  I found clarity regarding the vision for my life.  Ahh, yes, it’s a thing of beauty to have clarity.  And, that clarity drives me to unapologetically pursue my vision for my life.

It’s not about a bucket list, but rather a passport of happiness; one that will be stamped many times a day, filled with beautiful experiences.  My good living is my middle finger to breast cancer.  My redefinition of beauty is having a vision and putting every blessed breath into sculpting, crafting and bringing to life that vision.

As I adjusted and readjusted my lens and found beauty through clarity of vision, I also spent countless hours in the mirror looking at my “new” body.  New scars on my “breasts” from the mastectomy, under my armpits from my drain tubes, and the scar above my right breast that had been the insertion point for the mediport that my doctors urged to prevent my veins from collapsing during or after chemo, allowing me to continue the lifesaving treatment.  Somehow, even though my mastectomy scars were much more pronounced, my teary eyes always focused on my mediport scar.  My intense focus provided a unique connection with this scar.  I transitioned from wearing it like a scarlet letter, to being unafraid if it showed because I likened it to a red badge of courage.  I’ve grown proud of this symbol of my strength.  After everything that I faced, and even with a scarred body, I still look at myself with pride.

While looking through that lens, my strength was redefined as a covenant.  Strength is honoring the promises you make to yourself, like the one I made to do everything I had to do in order to survive.  Again, the redefinition was only made clear through focus; keeping promises to myself even when confronted with seemingly insurmountable challenges; focused on living my vision.  Many dreams I had are no longer untouched.  I’m busy doing a lot of stuff that I love, including co-founding Breast Cancer Comfort Site that is a wellspring of lessons and guidance for breast cancer survivors to plant new seeds and flourish during and after breast cancer treatment.   After being nearly sidelined by the draining and debilitating effects of chemo, I’ve turned the corner and last month I ran my first half marathon.  I ran all 13.1 miles without stopping.  And, two weeks later, I did a 10K.  I’m unstoppable, beautiful and strong.

April 24, 2014

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

 

 

Know Your Strength, Even Through Your Tears

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It’s like nails on a chalkboard, hearing someone say “She’s so strong, I never see her cry.”  I have heard this numerous times and, my one college logic course, suggests that crying = weakness and not crying = strength.  However, I know personally that there is nothing farther from the truth.

The physical and emotional pain from breast cancer, as a patient or a caregiver, can be overwhelming and the only release may be a “good” cry or several “good” cries.  And then, there is the reality of a pity party; the lamentation of “why me” that can stir the strongest of emotions that bring tears.  It may be a single tear down the side of your face or a seemingly everlasting waterfall that engulfs you and takes a long time to quell.

The moments of strength are the moments before, during and after the tears where you resolve to fight no matter what, to move forward through the pain and in the face of devastation and destruction while holding on to a sliver of faith.  The moments of strength are the moments where, balled up in the fetal position, you muster up enough determination for that moment and each moment turns into another and the walk forward continues.  The tears can be cathartic and serve as a catalyst for putting some bad moments in the distance and looking ahead to better moments.  Know your strength, even through your tears.

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

 

Playing the Game, Managing the Clock and Surviving Triumphantly

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Have you ever watched a sports game where the score is close near halftime and after halftime unbelievable plays are made, a previously losing team outscores their opponent and shockingly wins the game?  Or, have you ever turned on the news or looked at the cover of a major newspaper or magazine and seen the story of an underdog team that forces a game into overtime, enough time to be triumphant?  One of the consistent messages you’ll hear when the team is asked “how’d you do it?” is “we kept playing, managed the clock and believed we could win”.

As a triple negative breast cancer survivor, a fifth generation cancer patient who has experienced the devastating cancer losses, the words of winners resonate with me.  I’ve often viewed cancer as a formidable and undefeatable opponent.  There is something that I call the dichotomy of cancer, while surviving you can feel at one moment invincible and a moment later feel completely vulnerable wondering if cancer could strike once, could it strike again, harder and with ultimate finality.  I’ll never know what my final outcome will be, but I know that I’ve learned the best way to face cancer, to survive on my terms, is to do what the underdogs do in the Big games, to make the big plays that count, believe that I can win and use all of the time on the clock.

When I was diagnosed at the age of 38, I looked at my life similar to a basketball or football game, with four quarters and maybe possible overtime.  I marked my breast cancer diagnosis as my halftime and decided that I’d do everything in my power to make sure that my next two quarters (or last half) would be played with vigor, that I wouldn’t spend a minute on the sideline, playing every minute of the clock.  However, during my five years of surviving I’ve had a slight change.  Playing doesn’t mean that I have to be physically active every moment of the game, but I do need to be constantly working on my winning strategy that does include time outs (see 1/2/14 blog A Restful Mind and a Recharged Spirit in 2014).  But, I’m now looking at more of a baseball paradigm, a game that has nine innings, a seventh inning stretch (break time yay!) and can go into extra innings.  My strategy is to manage the clock by extracting all that I can out of every minute, prepare for a lot of innings, even force some extra innings and survive victoriously.  And I’ll keep playing hard because I believe I can win.

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor.  Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.