breast cancer | Breast Cancer Comfort

5 Important Lessons on Being Grounded

Posted on September 7, 2016 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Playing the Whole Game, Quality of Life, Reconstruction, Uncategorized

On Monday, I discussed a postponed beach trip, but why I’m keeping my bags packed anyway. (I’m hopeful that this weekend I’ll get there). But, it put traveling and road trips on my mind. I’ve had a few instances where a flight was grounded and a trip turned, unexpectedly, into an extended or overnight trip. When making alternate arrangements and thinking about the time I was losing, I was irked and irritated by being grounded.

I’ve hated being grounded. I’m impatient. As a reconstructionist™, having dealt with the physical, spiritual, emotional and financial devastation that comes with life-threatening illness and life devastating events, I am always eager for an uncomfortable or bad situation to quickly change. I’m always looking for positive change.

I’ve been grounded a number of times, by flight cancellations, and by my late mother disciplining a young mischievous daughter (me). I’ve also been grounded by a job layoff, business opportunities that failed and relationships that fell apart. When I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer, I was grounded by the physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially debilitating effects of treatment. Each situation triggered anger, irritation and impatience. A forced delay in my plans has never been good. Or has it?

The irony is that while being grounded seems a waste of time, it can actually be a gift of time. As I reflect now on life’s delays and plan changes, I realize that being grounded is sometimes the ultimate gift of more time to rest, plan, prepare, and perfect; to be fully ready to take advantage when my best opportunity arises. It’s my choice how I use my time when I’m grounded. I’ve started moving from bemoaning the situation to better managing the time to be fully prepared for an opportunity to fly.

A quick Google search provides the definitions of grounded:

a parent refusing to allow a child to go out socially as punishment
to prohibit or prevent (a pilot or aircraft) from flying
a person who understands what’s important in life

When a parent grounds a child it is the parent’s experience and wisdom guiding them to deter the child’s unwanted or bad behavior. It is a push for more positive behavior and outcomes. When a plane is grounded, it is the experience and wisdom of the pilots, air traffic controllers, mechanics, and aviation experts who make the decision to delay the flight. When a person is described as grounded, it is their experience and wisdom that enables them to focus on what’s important in life. A person who is grounded can prioritize those investments of time, energy and attention that will yield the most rewarding outcomes.

When I think back on the groundings of my youth with clarity and perspective, I realize that these distraction free periods actually enabled me to be a better student. Without the distractions of the telephone (landline in my day), parties and other outings, my focus was more intense and there was a palpable difference between being a good student and dedicating time to being a great student. It helped add a measure of discipline to my young life that I was lacking.

And, as someone who has had my share of hours watching an airport monitor change from a flight delay to a flight cancellation, I’ve got experience being grounded in airports. Often viewed as a waste of my time, when I again reflect with my hindsight 20/20 vision and a more mature perspective, I realize that my time was better spent focusing on how to be productive and make great use of the time while I was grounded versus focusing on what I was missing. Just like a mechanic who is called to fix the plane, it can be my opportunity to focus on and make my own repairs and improvements. The mechanics use this grounded time to put the plane in a better position to have a safe flight at a great altitude. Maybe being grounded is a sign that I’m not (yet) ready to fly.

For sure, being grounded is a time to think really hard about what’s led me to this place and where I’m trying to go. At times, it’s definitely meant that I’m burnt out. Maybe I’ve used too much time, attention and energy on things outside of myself. Maybe I need some physical or mental rest. I need to refuel. Maybe I just need time to stop neglecting my needs and focus on me. Life’s distractions can find a way of pushing us away from our needs. We can stop nurturing ourselves in constant haste to get from here to there and back again.

Finally, by being grounded, I can become more grounded. Without distractions, with a focus on making better use of my time, with a focus on me, I can prioritize and truly zero in on those things that are important in life, those things that will help me get off the ground when my time is right.

Sometimes, no maturity or perspective can change the fact that being grounded can suck, especially when there seems to be no rhyme or reason why. We don’t deserve bad things to happen to us. I’m just learning to change my approach to how I use the time. When it appears that there are no introspective moments that provide clarity, this may be the clear sign that it is simply just time to rest and recharge.

I’m reconstructing life after breast cancer and these lessons are much clearer to me now. Each time I’m grounded, I have to be more attune to the chance to make the best use of my time. The 5 important lessons I’ve learned from being grounded are:

Being grounded provides an opportunity to change a behavior
Being grounded provides an opportunity to focus on making (personal) improvements and working toward excellence
Being grounded provides an opportunity to rest and refuel
Being grounded provides an opportunity to nurture myself
My changes that come from being grounded allow me to live a life that is in step with what’s valuable and important to me

At the very least, I owe it to myself when I’m grounded to be reflective and introspective to determine how to best use and manage my downtime. During chemo, I couldn’t walk a city block without extreme fatigue. I needed rest to heal. Now, post treatment, I’m a distance runner who has completed a half marathon and three 10 mile races. I hated being laid off, but found it a beautiful time to spend more time at school with my small children. I was able to attend daytime school events and presentations, sit at school performances without a laptop in tow and a cell phone in my ear, half listening to a work conference call. And surely one of my prayers when I was diagnosed with breast cancer was having the opportunity to watch my children grow up. With this gift of time, I was able to do so with far less interruption from the seemingly never ending call of the corporate world. I was able to move away from the early morning, late afternoon meetings, the stressful deadlines and the unreasonable demands of my corporate grind. I’ve transitioned to writing, speaking, and coaching; things that I love and that provide such fulfillment and joy that I wouldn’t have been able to do while sitting in my cubicle.

As adults, we are no longer under our parents’ watch and constant care. But, God and life have a way of redirecting us, grounding us, when we would otherwise be going in the wrong direction. I didn’t get to the beach last weekend, but got the opportunity to spend some wonderful days with my family and friends that truly fed my soul. When a business opportunity doesn’t come to fruition (yet), when a financial investment doesn’t show great reward (yet), when a personal opportunity doesn’t yield positive results (yet) and I’m grounded, I have to remember that it may be a sign that I need to rest and then put in more work, more planning, more preparation in order for me to be ready to take flight and soar!

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor. Resilience Coach, Reconstructionist™ and Health and Wellness Advocate. Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

Keeping My Bags Packed

Posted on September 6, 2016 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Playing the Whole Game, Quality of Life

***NOTE: I send my thoughts and a special prayer to all, including my father, who were near, in the path of and/or impacted by Hurricane Hermine.***

Last week, I counted down the days until our family’s annual pre-Labor Day beach trip which is a quick two hour drive from our home. For our family, the beach is such a fun place. We love riding the waves, making sand sculptures and, for me, meditating and being at a place of serenity. Somehow the sun seems brighter reflecting off of the ocean and the rays of the sun seem warmer when my feet are in the sand. The waves washing up on shore sounds like beautiful music to me. I packed our bags and watched the weather forecasts, tracking Hurricane Hermine.

Last Friday, the day before departure, I was still optimistic that the weather would hold up. Although the forecast for beach day was cloudy and in the mid-70s, rain and wind and the onset of the storm were forecasted to hold off until late afternoon. By then, we’d have spent a few hours at the beach, walked the water’s edge, meditated by the waves and gotten some sweets from our favorite candy store.

Friday night, the forecast changed with rain and the strong winds expected much earlier in the day. I still held out some, although fading, hope. I had filled my gas tank and had already packed the car. I was ready for an early morning departure with little to do except get in the car and go.

I went to sleep hoping and praying that the forecast might change, as forecasts tend to do even over short periods. I was hoping the storm would lose its strength by morning. When I awoke, the forecast was much the same as the night before. I tried to get accurate and up to the minute information and thought I might go to the beach later in the day; still hopeful. As I got the detailed information, it was clear that the storm was too strong and meteorologists urged beachgoers to make alternate plans.

It was evident that the weather wouldn’t be conducive for the beach any day during the long weekend. This marked the first time in some years that we would miss Labor Day by the water. I unpacked the car, but I left my packed bags in the corner of my office and chose not to unpack them. I want to be ready. The forecast for this coming weekend calls for good beach weather. Whatever routine we planned to return to this weekend, will be changed if the weekend weather forecast remains the same. I’m not unpacking my bags because I want to be ready to jump right into the car and make the trip this weekend. The storm may delay me, but it won’t stop me.

I’ve had many storms in my life; cancer has been the most consistent and biggest storm including my mother’s breast cancer diagnosis, her recurrences and death from metastatic breast cancer; my aunt’s breast cancer and ovarian cancer diagnoses, her recurrences and death from metastatic ovarian cancer; my own triple negative breast cancer diagnosis when my children were four years old and 19 months old. Throughout my life, I’ve learned that you generally won’t know when a storm will come, when it will end, and the strength and intensity of the storm. Because I’ll never know when storms will come and go, when they will begin or end and how many storms there will be in my life, I’m leaving my bags packed, always ready and prepared for the end of the storm and always chasing the sun!

A Change in My Surroundings – Part 4 – Inspirational Books Around Me

Posted on September 2, 2016 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Playing the Whole Game, Quality of Life, Reconstruction

A few blogs ago, we discussed how a change in your surroundings can replace negative reminders and provide instant gratification. One of the items on the list was having a music player or iPod speaker to have uplifting music at your fingertips and we provided a list in A Change in My Surroundings – Part 2. An item on the list was having Bible verses, poems, calming passages posted or framed in your surroundings and we provided a list in A Change in My Surroundings – Part 3. Another item on the list was uplifting books of hope, faith, courage and peace. I said that I would share some in a future blog. Here are a few:

The Bible
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
Oh, the Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss
The Prayer of Jabez: Breaking Through to the Blessed Life by Dr. Bruce H. Wilkinson
The Power of Hope The One Essential of Life and Love by Maurice Lamm
Hope Happens! words of encouragement for times of change by Catherine DeVrye
Be Happy 170 ways to transform your day by Patrick Lindsay
Now Is the Time 170 Ways to Seize the Moment by Patrick Lindsay
Inner Simplicity by Elaine St. James

This is not an exhaustive list, but a few to consider. Please let me know which you like and others that should be added to the list.

In Sickness and Health – With Gratitude to Caregivers and Co-survivors

Posted on August 18, 2016 by Melanie Nix | 2 | Posted in Playing the Whole Game, Quality of Life, Reconstruction

My husband, Ray, was very excited for us to exchange traditional vows at our wedding 15 years ago. Little did we know that seven years into our marriage we would live the vows “in sickness and in health” when I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. On that fall morning in 2008 when I received my diagnosis, he morphed from husband and friend to caregiver and co-survivor.

Caregiver and co-survivor is an often overlooked, but can be a soul saving role. My husband and I went from celebrating a second honeymoon on a trip to the Caribbean to making life saving and life changing decisions. Somehow, I thought any serious sickness might come, if at all, when we had great grandkids and were much older. At 40 and 38, Ray and I, with a 4 year old son and 19 month old daughter, were thrust into new roles. Ray was the man who provided a shoulder to cry on and prayed for me when my faith was shaken; he was by my side through multiple hospital stays with my bilateral mastectomy, prophylactic oophorectomy and reconstruction and 16 cycles of chemotherapy. He spent over 12 months as medical researcher, hospital taxi, hospital companion, doctor’s appointment taxi, doctor’s appointment companion, drain tube drainer and bandage changer, and reconstruction cheerleader. He was the first to compliment me on my chemo bald head and the first to share my excitement when wiry strands of grey hair started to grow back. He was so attentive at doctor’s appointments; taking notes on how to bandage and care for my bruised body. And, he seemed to have many elixirs to care for my bruised soul. He praised me and exalted me.

Through nights of nausea, days of intense pain and exhaustion, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness and despair, I had a steadfast champion and nurturer. To the man who loved me back to life, to my soulmate who became my soul savior, in sickness and in health. My gratitude. My love.

To every caregiver, every co-survivor, every friend who cared and loved through the valleys and walked with you and helped you climb mountains. May life give back to you all that you have given to those you have believed in and nurtured.

I Don’t Want to Land on My Feet

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Quality of Life

I’ve fallen many times. My mother’s death from breast cancer knocked me down, off my feet. My triple negative breast cancer diagnosis knocked me down, off my feet. Growing up, I always heard the platitude that things are good if you land on your feet. I’m going to remove this phrase from my vocabulary. I DON’T, I never want to land on my feet again. I want to fly, high!

Reconstruction. Picture This.

Posted on July 28, 2016 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Quality of Life, Reconstruction

My children love building bricks, building blocks and manipulatives. They will painstakingly work on designing them according to the instructions to insure that they look exactly like the picture on the box. When they get knocked over and shattered and pieces lost, after their anger and frustration, they go back to work. With missing pieces, I’ve still seen them make great designs. It may not look like the picture or the ideal image that they had, but it still looks good.

I have to continually make sure I keep this in mind. Breast cancer and life reconstruction – physical, spiritual, financial – may not look like the picture I once had in my mind. As I’m rebuilding, I haven’t always followed the “instructions”. But, I’m still (re)building something phenomenal!

Role Model in the Mirror

Posted on July 25, 2016 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Quality of Life, Reconstruction

The road to healing from breast cancer has been full of potholes, detours and navigational challenges. In these difficult moments, when a straight and uncomplicated path seems elusive, a response is often to seek a mentor, role model, celebrity whose narrative details their navigation from dark days to seeming paradise.

I’ve found myself looking for or renting movies that recount stories of survival, tenacity, resilience and courage. They highlight the strength of someone I admire for their ability to, against the odds, persevere and prevail. I’ve used this for motivation; watched the movie or read the books or the magazine article. It’s fine to look outside for influences that can inspire and motivate us. But, I know for sure that the most inspiring person with the most motivational story, the most compelling example of fortitude is you. The role model you seek is the person looking at you in the mirror.

The young survivor who pursues her PhD all while managing recurrences and multiple new treatments; a message to breast cancer that you won’t erase my dreams.
The mother of two young children who trains and completes a marathon in the midst of treatment; a message to breast cancer that you won’t take my physical strength.
The woman who’s battled breast cancer and ovarian cancer multiple times, undergoes a multitude of physically challenging treatments but continues to travel nationally and internationally to advocate for legislation for breast cancer patients and increased funding for research; a message to breast cancer that even if you keep coming, I’ll keep going.
The young woman who takes “breaks” from chemo nausea to plan a magical and unforgettable birthday party for her daughter to maintain some normalcy for her young child; a message to breast cancer that you won’t destroy all of the treasured moments in my life.

Sometimes our strength is in simply getting up to face another breast cancer day. THE FIGHT. THE GRIT. THE RESOLVE. Even in the midst of their breast cancer battles, they fight for themselves and others, hold on to dreams and keep traveling down the road, regardless of potholes, detours and navigational challenges. Some are your stories. Some are my stories. They are a potent reminder of the strength that we all have as breast cancer survivors; of the dogged determination that we draw from a well that may, at times, seem empty. We push forward against and despite the odds. The next time you need to be motivated and encouraged, reflect on your own incredible story, tap into your own fuel, step in front of and be uplifted by the role model in the mirror.

More Days Like This

Posted on July 8, 2016 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Access to Information, Quality of Life

On Wednesday, I spent the morning and afternoon at the National Cancer Institute (NCI) offering a survivor’s insights on the National Cancer Institute’s study of African American women and breast cancer. This is the largest ever national study on “how genetic and biological factors contribute to breast cancer risk among black women.” Along with Dr. Damali Martin of the National Cancer Institute, I conducted radio and television interviews sharing this information nationally, especially among African American women. That evening, my nine year old daughter, Kennedy, and I went to an outdoor jazz concert. When I was battling cancer, I wished for motherhood moments like this.

My health and my family are a priority! When I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in 2008, my first prayer was for God to let me see my children grow up. I was especially concerned because triple negative breast cancer disproportionately affects African American women, young women and there is currently no targeted treatment. I was increasingly concerned because of my family history; I’m fifth generation in my family to have breast cancer and many of my relatives succumbed to breast cancer in their 30s and 40s. African American women, while diagnosed at a lower rate, have a higher rate of breast cancer mortality. All of these factors fueled my concern when I was diagnosed at 38. My daughter was 19 months old and my son was four years old. I am blessed that I have been able to watch them during the last seven years and it was nice to end the day with my daughter after being encouraged by the release of NCI’s study.

One of my insights through my cancer experience is the importance of access to information. I believe that learning as much as I can about this disease and my specific subtype has helped me advocate for myself to ensure that I’m getting the best care. Seven years later, as my daughter and I listened to the soothing music, the concert ended with a Louis Armstrong tribute and the band played “What a Wonderful World”. We sat smiling (see picture above) and I thought to myself, it’s indeed wonderful to be able to enjoy this time with my daughter. As the NCI study on African American women and breast cancer begins, I am hopeful that the findings will ensure ground breaking information that leads to more ways to reduce disparities and ultimately eradicate cancer. I pray for increased survival and quality of life. I hope that my daughter and I have many more years of jazz concerts together. And, I hope that the outcomes of this study will provide many more days like this for me and Kennedy and for African American women who face breast cancer.

For more information on this study visit:

http://www.cancer.gov/news-events/press-releases/2016/breast-cancer-genetics-black-women
By phone: 1-800-4-CANCER

Give Yourself a Mother’s Day Gift – Release the Guilt and Celebrate Survival

Posted on May 11, 2014 by Melanie Nix | Reply | Posted in Playing the Whole Game, Quality of Life

In the midst of my breast cancer battle and throughout my journey, I’ve struggled with guilt about the things that I was “missing” and “couldn’t” do with my children. My son was four years old and my daughter was one year old when I was diagnosed. I had an undercurrent of struggle trying to balance the demands of treatment with the demands of motherhood.

All mothers seem to struggle with balancing and multitasking. Add to that the weighty struggle of trying to manage chemo related nausea and fatigue as well as the debilitating effects of surgery and a cocktail of pain medications as you try to muster the strength show up for your child’s school play, soccer game or stay awake for Friday night movie night. Trying to gather the strength to play with your child as you are healing from surgery can be an almost impossibility. And we tend to bear a lot of guilt for our mostly temporary inability to do so. And we feel guilty when we can’t seem to do it all.

But, I’m learning that the guilt is unnecessary as our kids thrive and are nourished by our love that comes in many forms: by our physical presence, our hugs, our smiles, our prayers for and with them.

This past Friday, I returned home from a three day school trip with my nine year old son. I was greeted by my seven year old daughter with a string of kisses and multiple hugs. She was delighted just to see me, just to be with me. So I’ll have to remember that I may have missed some things while working to survive, but if I hadn’t missed some things during my treatment, I might surely miss other, bigger moments. I may have missed some days, but those days that I missed have provided me with many more years with my kids and a chance to celebrate more of their birthdays, other bonding moments, more hugs, kisses and smiles.

If I must struggle to balance something, I should be balancing my diet to keep my risk of recurrence low and my health and energy good. Yesterday morning, as I walked outside with my daughter to a beautiful spring morning, she said “hello birds, hello bees” in her youthful wonder that was the start of a beautiful family day. I can’t feel guilty about what I missed because surviving has allowed me to share these precious moments. I’m working on taking the guilt out of my life and replacing it with constant recognition of the blessings of being able to share another moment with my children, another chance to greet a morning with them, share bonding time with them.

On this Mother’s Day, give yourself a present and let those moments, those smiles, those days with your children uplift your guilt and carry you happily forward in your survival journey. Celebrate your survival and the additional time with your family!

Happy Mother’s Day – May 11, 2014

Melanie A. Nix – Triple negative breast cancer survivor. Always striving to color outside of the lines when defining my new normal.

Lupita Nyong’o Has Learned To Embrace Her Beauty and, As a Breast Cancer Survivor, So Have I

Posted on April 24, 2014 by Melanie Nix | 4 | Posted in Playing the Whole Game, Quality of Life

This month, Lupita Nyong’o was named People Magazine’s most beautiful person of 2014. I’ve seen her discuss her long road to embracing and owning her beauty, especially as a woman of a darker hue who often faced a dearth of media promoted, similarly hued beauties. In a different way, I’ve been on a journey to embrace and own my beauty, and strength, during my breast cancer journey. At 44, I am a 5 ⅓ year triple negative breast cancer survivor. My breast cancer journey forced me to readjust and redefine many things including my definition of strength and beauty. At 38, with a 1 year old daughter, 4 year old son and husband of 7 years, I was diagnosed with Stage 1, Grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma. But, my breast cancer journey really began 30 years earlier. At 8 years old, my 36 year old mother was diagnosed with breast cancer; beginning her 12 year fight that ended when her third battle with the disease took her life at age 49.

Many aunts and first cousins were diagnosed with breast cancer and/or ovarian cancer and most lost their battles in their 30s and 40s. Amidst sadness and loss, I frequently considered my own mortality and questioned if I was living the life that I wanted with so many dreams untouched. Should I do my own thing or follow convention? I always returned to a normal “inside the box” life.

Armed with information and learning that I was a carrier of the BRCA1 gene mutation that increased my risk for both breast and ovarian cancer, I began planning my preventive (prophylactic) surgeries. In the midst of planning my surgeries as well as preparing for Thanksgiving, Christmas and my upcoming 39^th birthday, on 11/21/08 I received my diagnosis and became a fifth generation breast cancer patient. Face to face with the enemy prompted a redefinition of many things in my life, among them beauty and strength. I promised myself that I would do everything I had to do to survive and work toward a great quality of life.

Beauty is often defined by our vision and varies depending on the lens that we use and whether or not it’s in or out of focus. Throughout my battle with breast cancer – through the bilateral mastectomy (prophylactic on the right breast), bilateral prophylactic oophorectomy, 16 rounds of chemotherapy, reconstructive surgery (2 times on the left breast and 1 time on the right) – I was readjusting, trying to focus my lens, but my vision was often blurred. Blurred by my tears as I experienced every emotion – anger, fear, sadness and also joy when I achieved a survival milestone like getting through my first chemo! Tears of joy, sadness, confusion, faithlessness and frustration. Tears of hope. Tears for my late mother. Through my tears, the image of beauty appeared more clearly, came into focus. I found clarity regarding the vision for my life. Ahh, yes, it’s a thing of beauty to have clarity. And, that clarity drives me to unapologetically pursue my vision for my life.

It’s not about a bucket list, but rather a passport of happiness; one that will be stamped many times a day, filled with beautiful experiences. My good living is my middle finger to breast cancer. My redefinition of beauty is having a vision and putting every blessed breath into sculpting, crafting and bringing to life that vision.

As I adjusted and readjusted my lens and found beauty through clarity of vision, I also spent countless hours in the mirror looking at my “new” body. New scars on my “breasts” from the mastectomy, under my armpits from my drain tubes, and the scar above my right breast that had been the insertion point for the mediport that my doctors urged to prevent my veins from collapsing during or after chemo, allowing me to continue the lifesaving treatment. Somehow, even though my mastectomy scars were much more pronounced, my teary eyes always focused on my mediport scar. My intense focus provided a unique connection with this scar. I transitioned from wearing it like a scarlet letter, to being unafraid if it showed because I likened it to a red badge of courage. I’ve grown proud of this symbol of my strength. After everything that I faced, and even with a scarred body, I still look at myself with pride.

While looking through that lens, my strength was redefined as a covenant. Strength is honoring the promises you make to yourself, like the one I made to do everything I had to do in order to survive. Again, the redefinition was only made clear through focus; keeping promises to myself even when confronted with seemingly insurmountable challenges; focused on living my vision. Many dreams I had are no longer untouched. I’m busy doing a lot of stuff that I love, including co-founding Breast Cancer Comfort Site that is a wellspring of lessons and guidance for breast cancer survivors to plant new seeds and flourish during and after breast cancer treatment. After being nearly sidelined by the draining and debilitating effects of chemo, I’ve turned the corner and last month I ran my first half marathon. I ran all 13.1 miles without stopping. And, two weeks later, I did a 10K. I’m unstoppable, beautiful and strong.

April 24, 2014